Letting Go

As I splash my face with water, washing away my cleanser as quickly as I can, I strain to listen for my toddler over the noise of the flowing tap. But tonight I am listening not in dread of my 18-month-old daughter waking up, but almost in fear that she won’t call out for me.

As an infant, Olivia was a star sleeper. By the time she was a few months old, she was sleeping through the night–sometimes even up to 11 hours! I was grateful, but I also suspected it wouldn’t last.

And it didn’t.

Just like her big brother, Olivia’s sleep troubles started when she learned to stand up. A few hours into the night, she would find herself awake and stuck standing up. In her sleepy stupor, she was stranded and her helpless screams called us into action.

After a month or two of trying to get Olivia back to sleeping through the night, my husband and I weakened and I began to co-sleep with Olivia on a mattress on her floor.

A few years earlier, our son slept with us from the age of 18 months until he was about 3. After that, he still ended up most nights climbing into our bed. While I enjoyed the extra snuggles, our bed just wasn’t big enough for the three of us. I was relieved when he got comfortable enough in his own bed to stop joining us every night at 3 A.M.

So, I was surprised at how much I love sleep sharing with Olivia. Most nights she sleeps quite soundly, and it is heavenly. Her fresh-from-the-bath scent mixes with her little puppy breath as she snuggles up next to me, the top of her downy head pressed under my chin.

However, some nights the co-sleeping is not all warmth and wonderment. Sometimes she seems to wake every hour and I spend more time coaxing her back to sleep than sleeping myself.

And, of course, there’s the problem that I don’t go to bed at the same hour she does. After I get her into a deep sleep, I sneak back down to my computer to work. But I usually have to run up once or twice to help her back to sleep when she wakes up and realizes I’m not there.

Some nights, she wakes so often I have to bring my laptop to bed and work beside her so she senses my presence and stays asleep.

A few nights ago, she didn’t wake up while I worked downstairs. At 2:30 A.M. I couldn’t believe she still hadn’t woken up! Not wanting to disturb her, I went to sleep in my own bed.