A Tender Touch

It’s no secret that my wife, Elizabeth—I call her Tib—battles depression. She’s written about her illness in GUIDEPOSTS (with great honesty and grace, I might add, though perhaps I’m not objective).

Today, in our seventh decade of marriage, we have many ways of coping when that “dull gray mist” descends. Yet so much of what we’ve learned came during that first incapacitating bout early in our marriage.

I still put into practice the tools I discovered then and I believe they’ll help you if you live with—or love—someone who’s depressed.

1. Keep a journal.
I remember the night I began making notes about our situation. It was an icy December evening and I’d just commuted home by train from Manhattan, where I was a staff editor for GUIDEPOSTS.

The first thing I saw as I opened the front door was Tib running up the stairs to her hiding place in the attic. Well, not actually running. Tib was seven months pregnant with our third child and she was moving pretty slowly. Scotty, five, and Donny, two, were in the living room, merrily lobbing Wiffle balls at a building-block tower.

On the kitchen table were bowls with the hardened remnants of the boys’ breakfast oatmeal, and some crumbs and wilted lettuce leaves from what must have been lunchtime sandwiches. Simply getting the boys dressed, fed and occupied was, in Tib’s state, a near-impossible challenge. Dealing with dirty dishes, soiled clothes and a messy house was far more than she could handle. These jobs fell to me.

As I put the bowls in the sink to soak, I was overcome with a kind of panic. What if Tib never gets better? There on the table was the spiral pad I’d been using to write out our grocery list. I grabbed a pencil and jotted down a description of the scene around me, including my feelings about it, and put the pad in my pocket.

For months that notepad was my escape. Sometimes it still is. One of the hardest things about living with a depressed person is having to keep your own emotions in check. That can take a toll on your health. Write your feelings down. Don’t be afraid to vent. Once you get everything out, you can look at the situation with more objectivity.