Who I Am
It was a loss that haunted this Grammy-winning singer for 19 years until she was forced to make a life-or-death decision.
The winter light was fading as I sat in the office of my counselor Monty at a drug and alcohol rehab in rural Minnesota.
It was one of those cruel January days when the sky looks frozen. I was answering questions about my dad, who’d passed away when I was 15. Even now, in 1984, 19 years later, there was a part of me that was frozen too, locked in time.
Being the daughter of Nat King Cole, I was used to this. People asked me all the time what he was like. They told me how much they loved his voice. Hardly a day went by someone didn’t mention him to me. That can wear away at you.
Yet I could still hear him laughing as my sister, Cookie, and I acted out Broadway musicals decked out in his jackets and shoes. Could still see his smile as he waved goodbye before another tour. Could still feel his warm hug when he dropped me off for my freshman year at boarding school in Massachusetts.
“That was the last time I ever saw him healthy,” I said to Monty.
Monty leaned forward in his chair. “Natalie, do you think you’ve ever really grieved your father?”
“What?” I said defensively. “He’s been gone almost twenty years now.”
“Grief isn’t bound by time, Natalie. If you want to heal, to get sober, you have to face it. You have to change. Today.” I practically ran back to my room as if fleeing Monty’s words. I closed the door and sat on my bed in the glow of my lamp. Through the window I could see snow falling, muffling the world outside.
An unforgettable silence was what greeted me when I returned home for Christmas in 1964, after my first semester away at school. I rushed to my parents’ bedroom, only to find my 45-year-old father in a rocking chair, his hair white, his skin ashen. He couldn’t get up to hug me. Dad had lung cancer. No one had told me he was sick—Mom thought she was being protective. It was a Christmas without parties with Dad’s showbiz friends, without him singing about chestnuts roasting, without any music. Foggy with painkillers, he spoke little. Terrified to confront this faint echo of the man my father was, I said even less.
Back at school, my birthday came and went on February 6. I got word Dad had a successful operation. Then the day after Valentine’s Day, I got called back to my dorm from class. My housemother was waiting for me, tears in her eyes. She didn’t have to say it—I knew. Dad had died. I barely cried, even at the funeral. But I took one of the roses that blanketed Dad’s coffin and tucked it into my Bible. I didn’t want to go back to school so far away, but Mom was determined to put on a brave face. In a few days, I was back in Massachusetts. I would have to learn to forget about my loss.
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Comments
I read Natalie's story and
I read Natalie's story and must say that I was deeply moved and do understand - (but we cannot relly, live another person's pain in life) - But I can see her finally realizing her deep sadness and how her dad's death, and her way of dealing with it when he died - Because, in reality each one of use deal with pain Individually - Our own unique mentally-dealing process....I also relate with the drug and, in my case, alcohol issue....I was almost killed in an ATV - all Terrain Vehicle accident in Chrlotte, north carolina in August 2008.....At a time when I was having seizures from brain damage from alcohol and occasional cocaine use - During the time I had my accident I had actually drank in a bar - had a siezure and crashed my ATV on a Fort Mill, SC street in which my head was dragged for a long distance as my head and left side of body was dragged on the road surface of the street and my head hitting pot-holes, bumps, cracks, then finally my head hitting an object which was probably dropped by a truck - the object looked like a piece of brick wall - maybe 4-5 feet wide by 1 foot- I could see the object coming closer to my head and knew this was it! I remember closing my eyes and praying to God to forgiveme of my sins in life and alcohol and drug use . I hit the object and quietly (and painlessly) went into a almost 3 month coma at Charlotte Memorial Hospital, NC. I must tell you that I came very close to death during this time- along with the actual accident, I had 2-3 strokes while in a coma....and I am still alive today!
I have brain damage.....My new Life - and new brain.....Just wanted to say that Natalie's story is an Inspiration to myself in giving me and showing me a Journey through the pains and experience of someone who is in the Public Eye....I was a musician and also even a Karaoke Hoster and Performer to survive financially - working in bars (doing about 3 shows a week)....I made what I thought was "easy money" and got my bills paid....At the time I also met many people who drank, of course, but also did drugs such as cocaine....I would eventually snort coke during shows to give me a "lift" and it kept me smiling and happy - so I could give good shows and people would stay in the bar and buy drinks....During that period, I really put some kind of Value of being able to keep people in the bar and buying many drinks.....I was insured more continued shows there.....I played in bars for about 12 years.....And actually drank beer- like water! After months of this - it became a acceptable way of life to me....my ultimate accident - in which I wake up daily having to realize of my brain damage and accepting my condition and praying for God's guidance everyday......God has always ben there for me...even in my coma....I felt his presence - which gave me hope - mentally. And God's Spirit is always with me on a daily basis - he now guides me to accept myself as I am....and to in some way tell others "never to give up" - Our connection with God is our continued guidance in our new lives after whatever we have survived.....Natalie's story is a reassurance to me of my beliefs now in life......Because, really, in life Everyone needs God's guidance - instead of looking for guidance in our world.....Cause, life has Good and Bad.....I know that if I had been attending church and reading and believing my bible back then when I was drinking and things.....I would still be the same person I was, health wise....God is Good......This was the reason why God put Jesus on earth in our Human - Flesh Form.....To teach people of the Goodness in Believing and faith to God.....Instead of thing out ther in the world that destroy, like drugs and alcohol......
God bless all of you! Don't Give up!
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