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You need to know your priorities in life.

As head coach of the San Francisco 49ers, that’s probably the most important message I deliver to my players, especially the younger ones. Focus on what’s truly meaningful, I urge them.

I’m a guy who wears his emotions on his sleeve, so when I say these things, my players know I speak from the heart. What they don’t know is that I learned that lesson the hard way.

They weren’t there in Chicago the night of the banquet in my honor—one of the greatest moments of my career as a player, and the lowest point of my personal life.

I’d played my entire NFL career with the Chicago Bears. In the 1985 season I’d helped lead the team to a victory in the Super Bowl. Chicago fans always appreciated me, and this night in 1989 would make it official. All the goals I’d set at age 12 had come true. I was being honored in my adopted city as the best defensive player in the league.

You can imagine what the night was like. People approached my table throughout the evening. “Congratulations, Mike,” they’d say, pushing between my wife, Kim, and me. They’d pay me a ton of compliments, and then turn to Kim and say, “Oh, you’re so lucky to be married to him.”

I figured, if ever I could make Kim proud, this would be the time. “This is our night, honey,” I said. Kim said nothing. We barely spoke through dinner. Driving home, Kim didn’t say a word. Her eyes said it all.

How did it ever get to this? I wondered.

Kim is the only woman I’ve ever loved. I thought back to the night we met—in the Baylor University library, when we were sophomores. I was already well known on campus as a football player.

But off the field I wasn’t nearly so confident. I’d seen Kim around, but couldn’t work up the nerve to approach her. I couldn’t believe it when she walked up to me. “Can you help me with my math?” she asked. I wasn’t very good at math, but I told her I was.

Afterward, I walked her back to her dorm. We talked about a million things—family, faith, our hopes, our dreams. Man, I thought, as I returned to my dorm, she doesn’t care that I’m a football player. Kim’s the first girl I’ve met where I can just be myself.

A few days later we went on our first date. I never did believe in beating around the bush. “I’m going to marry you someday,” I said.

The next few months were heaven. For me, at least. I felt lucky to be around Kim. I thought she felt the same. Turns out she didn’t. We were a couple, but we didn’t spend much time together. Not as much as she wanted. Most of my hours were spent on the field, or studying.

One day she cornered me. “Where do I stand with you?” she asked.

“I truly love you,” I said. But she wasn’t satisfied.