The Healer
I'd battled depression all my life. I didn't know how much longer I could fight.
Therese, in front of the Christus Consolator
I was trying to pray when it happened. Desperately.
Dark feelings I’d been holding back for days like some terrible tide, feelings of worthlessness and exhaustion, overcame me.
I forced myself to keep reading the Psalm I had in front of me, but all I really wanted to do was give up. Just close my eyes and never open them again. Anything to make this unnameable despair, this sadness beyond sadness I couldn’t seem to shake, go away.
I was kneeling in our walk-in closet, my prayer space, the one spot in the house where my kids, Katherine and David, wouldn’t see me acting weird and wonder what was wrong.
The kids were downstairs watching TV. My husband, Eric, was at work. If only he’d come home! And yet I didn’t want him to see me like this. Not again. He’d know I wasn’t coping. He’d spend yet another evening worried sick about me. He’d tell me we should go see a doctor. That was the last thing I wanted.
I knew what my problem was: clinical depression. I was a stay-at-home suburban mom with two wonderful kids and a devoted husband, trying to maintain a freelance writing career. A perfectly normal person to anyone passing by.
Inside, though, I was a complete disaster. I’d battled symptoms of depression all my life. I had been a fussy baby, an anxious child, a teenager with an eating disorder.
I saw a counselor in college and learned to get by. Then in my thirties, after the kids were born two years apart, I went into a tailspin. Episodes of postpartum blues deepened into full-blown depression, a looming darkness that threatened to swallow me whole.
I’d seen a psychiatrist, but all the medications he had prescribed only seemed to make me worse. That convinced me. My problem wasn’t finding the right doctor. My problem was finding the right amount of faith.
I had been raised in church and I believed with all my heart that God answered prayer.
It’s me, I thought. I must not be praying hard enough. Kneeling there in that closet I tried to dig deeper into my soul, tried to find a deserving faith.
The front door opened and closed. Eric was home. “Where’s Mom?” he asked.
“Upstairs,” the kids said.
I heard him mount the steps. “Therese?” he called. I tried to pull myself together. I wiped my eyes. Why was I always crying? My hands tightened around my Bible. Eric’s tall, reassuring form appeared at the closet door. “Therese, what are you doing?”
I looked at him helplessly. “I—I didn’t want the kids to see me like this.”
His face softened. “Therese, why didn’t you call me?”
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Comments
You are not alone. All of
You are not alone. All of us who read this, reach out to you and care. We're all in this together. God gave the artist who carved that statue the vision to do it, and His Healing Spirit spoke to you and began the work of healing in answer to your many prayers. God is exalted even in suffering.
Thank you for sharing such a
Thank you for sharing such a personal experience and God bless you.
Your story was very
Your story was very inspirational. I have suffered from depression for most of my life, but I thought it was due to everything that was happening which was a lot! But I only was diagnosed as Bipolar last year and have tried several different medications, but the depression/anxiety which is overwhelming at times(I feel like I am going to have a Heart Attack because of the all the financial worries) is still there and there are days that I just want to end everything.......I've had so much happen to me in the last 5 years due to the recession that everything has become so overwhelming for me everyday. I cry a lot and sometimes for no reason...someone will say something to me and it will remind me of something painful I experienced and then the tears start rolling down my cheeks. I can't remember the last time I had a good day where I wasn't depressed. I am going to call Johns Hopkins and try to see someone there eventhough for the first time in a long time I don't have Health Insurance and I'm not sure I will be able to afford this treatment......
Reading this story was like
Reading this story was like me living my life for the past 12 - 13 years. There are times when I don't want to get out of bed...and I don't. The rest of the world doesn't mean that much to me. My feelings are like "leave me alone". I would go for a whole week without showering and wearing my bed clothes all day. I don't care who comes over or not. On Friday nights, we call family night is not necessary called that now because I choose to stay home and sleep. My husband will take our son and go eat and go to Walmart and get the things we need. My husband doesn't comprehend what I am going through.
June 2, 2006, My husband and I were arguing and things heated up and I went and overdosed on pain pills. I realized what I had done and called 911 myself. The deputy asked me why I did this and I told him I was trying to get my husbands attention. He said ok and left the room. Luckily overdosing didn't work. I went away for a few days and they had to ask my husband if it was ok for me to go home. That was lower than low. Since that time my husband has treated me like a child instead of his wife. As years went on I was unable to work because I would go off on innocent people for no reason. I was then diagnosed as Bi-polar. Well that explains the changes in my moods.
I have also been diagnosed with Diabetes and Epstein Barre Virus among other things. Since being diagnosed with diabetes I have gained 50 pounds and that has really lowered my self esteem and everything has gone down hill since. I have been going to therapy since June 2, 2006, and will probably continue for quite some time.
I wish I had someone to help me work through my personal problem since I can't seem to count on my family for their support.
Thanks for hearing me out...
Dear Friend, I hear you and
Dear Friend, I hear you and definately feel your pain! I too suffer from severe depression. I have sought out help, only to run into dead ends as counsling and meds. have not worked. One thing that I can be sure of, Jesus hears me! Pretty much everyday I drop to some form of this debillitating illness. I don't get out of my jammers either, and if given the chance I could and would sleep all day. Granted there are days better than others. But through it all there is One in Whom I know I can and do trust and rely on wholeheartedly. Jesus and I have conversations, and it is Jesus Who reminds me to focus my thoughts on His Kingdom. I imagine that Jesus and I are walking in His Kingdom on those pure golden paved streets. And Jesus shows me His gorgeous multi~glistning color crystaled mountains, and all kinds of other beautiful scenery that is only visible in His Kingdom. And there overcomes me a feeling of an ultimate love such as that could never be felt to this degree on earth!! And Jesus ever so compassionately reminds me that the world we live in now can never be compared to His Kingdom when His and our Father calls us Home. A Home where there is no sadness and every tear will be wiped away. And where no darkness shall ever overshadow us again! And that the world we live in today is not our permenant home. That to me is very comforting and instills a peace in me to the degree that I can go on. I thank my God and I perservere. My friend, I will remember you in my prayers as my heart has compassion for you also! Know that you are never alone, for when we are at our weakest, God is at His strongest!!!
Your story gives me hope. I
Your story gives me hope. I am scheduled for an appt @ Mayo. I contacted John Hopkins however, John Hopkins does not have a contract with my insurance carrier. I feel as if Mayo's if my last hope. I try so hard not to feel hopeless or use the word hopeless because God is faithful and will never forsake us. I struggle with the guilt that my teen daughter has been dx with bipolar. It's a challenge for me to help her when I'm often unable to help myself. Please keep me in your prayer's and pray that my visit @ Mayo is a blessing. Thank you :)
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